Not Because I’m Still Single, I Still Have Feelings for You

There. I hope I have made myself clear this time.

I really have no intention dealing anymore with anything that has something to do with you but I just heard from a friend this morning that you are still making a big deal about some things. So, I sincerely hope this stops your illusions so you, too, could move forward with your life. I long already have, so please, help yourself, too, it’s more than a year, ‘boy’.

Not that I still care about you, it’s just that I already want to be completely out of any picture with you. It’s like wanting my life back when our paths haven’t crossed yet – it’s just that this time, my circumstances and my life are way better, happier. And I already thanked you a million times in my mind and in my prayers for making me realize this.

So when something like this pops out, like a friend suddenly telling me you said this and that and she still thinks this way about it … please, just please stop dragging me back to that world I already managed to step myself out from. And in case you’re still trapped in that time and at that moment, deal with it like a man – on your own. Like I said, without dragging anyone, without involving me again. Please.

I haven’t really spoken to anyone what really happened between us and as much as possible, I would like to keep it that way. Those who were involved need not hear it all over again and it would be unfair for you if I tell it to those who weren’t there because they will never be able to hear your side. You know how much I always wanted to be fair.

Since you still think things in my life now still have something to do with you, here:

I’m still single because I’m still getting the hang of knowing and loving myself more.

In ‘our world’ before, I traded everything I have for you. So, literally speaking, it’s more like me stepping in your world the whole time.

Because then I didn’t know I am capable of being happy all by myself. I always thought I needed someone, I thought I needed you. But while staying there in your world, I found my strength. Strength that I never thought I was capable of. But, you see, I pulled through and now I’m not scared to push myself more to my limits so I could understand myself better. In my world now, me matters. There is me.

I’m still single because I still haven’t fully made it up with my mommy and daddy.

In ‘our world’ before, I fully realized how one’s family really shapes up a person.

While there, in your world, I couldn’t be more thankful for the greatest revelation of my life: my being blessed with a family who doesn’t judge and who are caring enough not to take sides and for treating us as mature individuals capable of thinking this through on our own.

They didn’t get themselves involved but they were always there, letting us handle it our way the same way they were there when we both decided to get into that until that day I came back. They’re simply there – no questions, no judgments, no pointing out the mistakes they knew we were committing from the start.

And everything makes sense, and I’m still making it up with them. Just being here – no longer running away from them. In my world now, this long lost daughter was finally found.

I’m still single because I’m still taking my time reconnecting with the wonderful people I have almost taken for granted in my life.

In ‘our world’ before, away from everyone that I know and I love, I almost lost these great, great people.

While there in your world, I realized how spoiled I am for having all these people I left behind and how I have taken them for granted. While there in your world, too, I found my treasure – my genuine friends.  Those who are patient enough to listen to me until I got right back to my senses and those who, like my family, never said a word once it’s all done and over with. Those who are just sincerely happy that I’m back.

And I’m still catching up with them, taking time to eat lunch or dinner with them more often as possible. To watching movies with them. To sipping coffee. To getting on adventures and escapades with them. In my world, I’m surrounded with friends.

I’m still single because I’m still busy realizing my dreams.

In ‘our world’ before, I’ve given up my dreams so I could be there for you until you reach yours. And it never got me anywhere.

There, I was happy at times but there was always that emptiness within me. And when I stepped out of that world, all the stars aligned and in weeks’ time, I was right back on track, exactly the way I left it – very promising, and I couldn’t be happier. In my world, I have my own life to live and a great career to look forward to.


I’m still single because I simply can.

In our world before, okay, let me finally correct this. Before I stepped into your world, there will always be someone right after another one leaves. And that was always my story – how it always had been.

I read on my previous journals and I realized ‘our’ story was not my first story of loving all out, willing to give up everything. And maybe this is the lesson I kept on missing from each and every one of those.

So, I’ll be fair with my next.

I’m staying single, by choice, waiting for life to do its works and to unfold its wonders at its own time. And I’ll be fair with myself, too, loving all the aspects of my world without looking for anyone so that next time, when I finally bumped into someone who could build a new world for the two of us, without compromising any of our worlds, it will be my last.

See, none of this is about you. Time to snap back yourself into reality.

Love, Rikki.

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