Next month would be the third year anniversary of my singlehood and I do not see anything wrong about the whole set-up of not being involved commitedly to another person – until this afternoon.
Good Idea: Meeting up at our agreed meeting place at our agreed time. Nah, I’m kidding, I’m late.
If we were a couple, I’m sure he’ll get mad at me. And we won’t just meet there because most probably he’ll insist on picking me up at our house which will pressure me to bits that will limit my time to fix my hair or my clothes or whatever.
But we’re not, so he’s still all smiles upon seeing me.
Good Idea: I’ve my own plan after our date so I can do what I planned to do and he can do the same thing. No pressure.
Okay, there is – a little. He wants us to go somewhere else after that.
If we were a couple, I will most probably agree to whatever he plans next to avoid awkward silence between us while we’re together or to prevent ruining such a beautiful day like today.
But we’re not, so when I said no, he tried using his charms instead. Still, I pushed through with my plans – without him and without hurting him for not inviting him to join in.
Good Idea: No PDA moment the whole time that seeing some workmates unexpectedly didn’t bring any fuzz.
If we were a couple, I will just let him – hold me here and there and try not to care at all and just become embarrassed when someone we know see us like that.
But we’re not, so he knows he’s only allowed some accidental brushing of arms, a little and quick touch of my waist or my back, minimal number of minutes touching my hand.
Bad Idea: Helping him prepare for his out of the country trip knowing he’ll be gone for so long – fine, not that long, just two weeks.
If we were a couple, we’d probably go there together. Or If, situations do not permit and we really can’t, I can probably at least have him limit it to a minimal number of days – enough for me not to go crazy waiting for him.
But we’re not, so I just helped him with that and just asked him when will he be back.
Bad Idea: Missing him and missing everything about him after all what’s been said and done.
Him driving. Him carrying what I bought. Him being there patiently waiting and finding ways for me to finish my to do’s for the day. Him sharing laughs and stories with me – the teasing, the fun, the assurance that there is someone other than my family and friends who is just there for me anytime.
If we were a couple, all these things will be our norm.
But we’re not, so as much as I want to ‘demand’ all these things from him, I won’t.
And as much as I want to convince myself that I’m ready for commitment again, I can’t, because every time we’re together, I think of all these things – the good and the not so good reasons of staying out of it – when I should be just risking it.
In my attempt to make this celebration a meaningful one, beyond spending it with family and dearies, I decided to open this gift to self book I have long bought and is reserving for special occasion or for right moment to read and to explore.
I was first caught with this question on the first paragraph: ‘Something that is of great importance to me?’
And then the book ended up talking of love – true love, of courage to win and of angels. And reading it at this time when Jesus was born, I kind of connected these words J. said to Paulo in this occasion:
You have died and been reborn many times. All you have to do is remember
We do this yearly. We remember God’s love every 25th of December when he gave us Jesus. And then we become merry and joyous because we know we are loved and we are blessed. But what else do we need to remember?
It is for love, for victory and for the glory of God
‘Love of God and of others shows us the way. Accept all that is wrong about us – and despite it, believe that we are deserving of a happy life – little by little our defects will disappear, because one who is happy can look at the world only with love
Have courage! Open your heart, and listen to what your dreams tell you. Follow those dreams, because only a person who is not ashamed can manifest the glory of God
You will still have many problems in your life, some of them normal, some of them difficult. But from now on, only God’s hand will be responsible for everything – you will interfere no more
God has the right to destroy me. I do not
If all these are that easy and simple, why is this question so disturbingly enlightening: Why do we always kill the things that we love?
And here are the words from Paulo in an attempt to make sense of it – of killing the things we love:
Because (we) are desperately in need of help. (We) have won important things for (ourselves), but we are going to destroy them, because we tell (ourselves) that they have lost their meaning. (We) know it’s not true. (We) know they are still important, and if (we) destroy them, (we’ll) be destroying ourselves as well … it’s just that the unknown was becoming too familiar to (us)
And Valhalla’s words:
Everyone has at some point in our lives, enter into such an agreement (not to win when victory is possible) … before long, (we) had destroyed all meaning in (our) lives because (we) just didn’t care about (ourselves) anymore
And it all boils down to finding meaning in our life – to answering the why’s? Why are we doing some things? Why are we celebrating this occasion? Why do we love and still believe in angels?
I kind of see myself in Rhoda who ‘have loved many … but spurned true love’.
And in Valhalla herself who, compared to Chris, Paulo’s wife, Valhalla ‘knew the arts of war by heart but had forgotten the lessons of love, knew the five rules of victory and had slept with every man she desires but she had forgotten the art of love’
May we all have a meaningful celebration this Christmas and may we not forget to spread love and light to all we come across with!
Some things are so important that you have to learn them on your own
This afternoon was the second Brown Bag session of our Company that I was able to attend since we started July.
The first was enlightening.
This one – amazingly disturbing :p
I can’t help but admire our speaker/resource person Mr. Arnold H. Anon (Mr. AHA!) because he succeeded in obtaining his objective for that 3-hour session – shake us, disrupt our thoughts, help us become aware.
My body’s physically dead tired right now but my mind keeps on thinking these words he has thrown at and shared with us.
The one that sticked to me the most – this: ‘It’s easy to miss something you’re not looking for’. Hmmm.
I haven’t given this a good and deep thought yet. But I’ll find time next time. I’ll make sure I won’t miss out on the greatness that lies behind these words.
For now, I’ll let it run through my head as long as it pleases. But the moment I catch up on it, it’ll stay put 🙂
Why are we so afraid to raise our hands? Why are we so not comfortable showing or exposing our vulnerabilities.
And then he told us …
‘It’s easy to let go. Life, after all is about choices. Live it full out’
I asked and these words I received in minutes: ‘Just Do What’s Right’ and ‘Finding Hope’. You truly are amazing, Papa God, Your ways, I have no words for them. I’m humbled. I feel so blessed and so loved by You. Thank you, Lord ❤
Excerpts from yesterday and today's Our Daily Bread':
‘Yielding to Christ in all of our desires and decisions regardless of the outcome is what sets us apart in a world full of people consumed by their own interests … so if you want to light up your world in a compelling way, just do what’s right!’
‘No one is immune to feelings of despair…in a defiant step of faith … not to forget about God … there is always hope in God’
I wish I could tell myself this is ‘just’ work over and over again and not forget it every single time but I don’t, and my heart’s crushed again and I keep on reminding myself instead that I’m doing all these for You, Lord – all you have showered me with I’m using for Your purpose. Heal my heart and lead my life, please – when to attach and when to detach, papa God. When to let go, let me know.