Not Because I’m Still Single, I Still Have Feelings for You

There. I hope I have made myself clear this time.

I really have no intention dealing anymore with anything that has something to do with you but I just heard from a friend this morning that you are still making a big deal about some things. So, I sincerely hope this stops your illusions so you, too, could move forward with your life. I long already have, so please, help yourself, too, it’s more than a year, ‘boy’.

Not that I still care about you, it’s just that I already want to be completely out of any picture with you. It’s like wanting my life back when our paths haven’t crossed yet – it’s just that this time, my circumstances and my life are way better, happier. And I already thanked you a million times in my mind and in my prayers for making me realize this.

So when something like this pops out, like a friend suddenly telling me you said this and that and she still thinks this way about it … please, just please stop dragging me back to that world I already managed to step myself out from. And in case you’re still trapped in that time and at that moment, deal with it like a man – on your own. Like I said, without dragging anyone, without involving me again. Please.

I haven’t really spoken to anyone what really happened between us and as much as possible, I would like to keep it that way. Those who were involved need not hear it all over again and it would be unfair for you if I tell it to those who weren’t there because they will never be able to hear your side. You know how much I always wanted to be fair.

Since you still think things in my life now still have something to do with you, here:

I’m still single because I’m still getting the hang of knowing and loving myself more.

In ‘our world’ before, I traded everything I have for you. So, literally speaking, it’s more like me stepping in your world the whole time.

Because then I didn’t know I am capable of being happy all by myself. I always thought I needed someone, I thought I needed you. But while staying there in your world, I found my strength. Strength that I never thought I was capable of. But, you see, I pulled through and now I’m not scared to push myself more to my limits so I could understand myself better. In my world now, me matters. There is me.

I’m still single because I still haven’t fully made it up with my mommy and daddy.

In ‘our world’ before, I fully realized how one’s family really shapes up a person.

While there, in your world, I couldn’t be more thankful for the greatest revelation of my life: my being blessed with a family who doesn’t judge and who are caring enough not to take sides and for treating us as mature individuals capable of thinking this through on our own.

They didn’t get themselves involved but they were always there, letting us handle it our way the same way they were there when we both decided to get into that until that day I came back. They’re simply there – no questions, no judgments, no pointing out the mistakes they knew we were committing from the start.

And everything makes sense, and I’m still making it up with them. Just being here – no longer running away from them. In my world now, this long lost daughter was finally found.

I’m still single because I’m still taking my time reconnecting with the wonderful people I have almost taken for granted in my life.

In ‘our world’ before, away from everyone that I know and I love, I almost lost these great, great people.

While there in your world, I realized how spoiled I am for having all these people I left behind and how I have taken them for granted. While there in your world, too, I found my treasure – my genuine friends.  Those who are patient enough to listen to me until I got right back to my senses and those who, like my family, never said a word once it’s all done and over with. Those who are just sincerely happy that I’m back.

And I’m still catching up with them, taking time to eat lunch or dinner with them more often as possible. To watching movies with them. To sipping coffee. To getting on adventures and escapades with them. In my world, I’m surrounded with friends.

I’m still single because I’m still busy realizing my dreams.

In ‘our world’ before, I’ve given up my dreams so I could be there for you until you reach yours. And it never got me anywhere.

There, I was happy at times but there was always that emptiness within me. And when I stepped out of that world, all the stars aligned and in weeks’ time, I was right back on track, exactly the way I left it – very promising, and I couldn’t be happier. In my world, I have my own life to live and a great career to look forward to.

 

I’m still single because I simply can.

In our world before, okay, let me finally correct this. Before I stepped into your world, there will always be someone right after another one leaves. And that was always my story – how it always had been.

I read on my previous journals and I realized ‘our’ story was not my first story of loving all out, willing to give up everything. And maybe this is the lesson I kept on missing from each and every one of those.

So, I’ll be fair with my next.

I’m staying single, by choice, waiting for life to do its works and to unfold its wonders at its own time. And I’ll be fair with myself, too, loving all the aspects of my world without looking for anyone so that next time, when I finally bumped into someone who could build a new world for the two of us, without compromising any of our worlds, it will be my last.

See, none of this is about you. Time to snap back yourself into reality.

Love, Rikki.

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Uh-oh, It’s THIS Month of the Year Again

I used to wait for the newspaper‘s special features every February. They usually allot a number of pages talking about love and happy endings that I find myself cutting the articles which in turn always leaves me daydreaming forever *exaggerating.

Love

Love (Photo credit: praram)

I can’t forget one that published people’s well-kept or treasured love letters that even after so many years, you can still feel their emotions as if their love story is happening once again, at that very moment as you read it. Like a long lost memory coming to life. And not just the joy –  even the pain is as real and as hurtful.

So, I came up with this conclusion that maybe, just maybe, this month is really meant for us to become vulnerable to a lot of things – sweet nothings, romantic stints, hearts and sweets and flowers … argh, even the topic they start and the music they play on my favorite radio programs :p

If February, according to Wikipedia, is the only month of the year that can pass without a single full moon, then why are all the lunatics coming out and not let this month pass just like that. I can feel my own vulnerability making its presence so strong as early as last week of January, tsk tsk, getting so in touch with my emotions – not a good sign, dear self *wink

Nah, this is just a disclaimer, really, because in the coming days, just like in the newspapers, I’ll be posting more about love and memories and happy endings because if last month is my birthday month and I can cry like a star all I want to, hey, it’s February now and I’m giving in to this lunacy and just have all the excuse I can think of to be mushy, yeah? 🙂 After all, this might be my only chance to living those memories one more time. Love, Atty. Rikki

Dear John, Nicholas Sparks Made Me Crying the Whole Night

It was one of those nights when you have no work the following day (which is so rare since I started working again and which is something I am not so used to anymore) when I decided to catch up on my reading.

I haven’t read a good book for quite a while now, only newspapers once a week, so I picked up this one by Nicholas SparksDear John.

Hmmm, the title’s intriguing. Will it be a coming out of a hidden desire for someone named John? Of finally having the courage to say those unspoken words and revealing those secret feelings? I read on.

And then I got curious all the more – it is John who is speaking. Interesting. I’m more hooked into novels like that, when it is the guy’s perspective you are ‘hearing’. I mean, like the Twilight saga, the one that leaked – Edward‘s side of the story. I love it. Guys and girls really do not think alike and they really do have different ways of acting on it.

And as I read on, I can’t help not crying. And it’s not just the silent one, i was literally sobbing until I finished the whole book because all the things John exposed in that story hit me where it still hurts the most.

So, here, Dear John, I totally am one with you on these things:

1. Love at first sight rarely happens. It’s usually the second or the third encounters or the time you really put an effort to focus your thoughts on the other person, like what happened between you and Savannah, that you can find something so adorable or amusing about that person.

2. Falling for someone does not require a ‘standard’ or an ‘acceptable’ timeframe. It happens when it happens – as you two feel it. Who cares if you just met a few days ago or if you shared only a couple of moments together? What matters is you both feel it and you are both willing to give it a really good shot.

3. Long distance relationship will never really work. Some might say, yeah, it will work, but only until one has to give up something just to address that long distance thing, which  will eventually lead to falling out as well. Or it  ‘might work’, yes, but only for a couple of months because at some point, someone will question the essence of being in that relationship, and when there’s that questioning part – the relationship’s doomed.

4. The honeymoon stage of any relationship is the sweetest and the craziest and the silliest and the ones that can still put a smile on one’s face just remembering those memories even after so many years have gone by. The thing is, it is also the shortest.

5. Respect for your loved one’s decision, no matter how painful or unfair it was for you, is the most noble act of showing and of attesting how you truly love that person. When it was said that it’s over, then it’s over, period. No begging, no asking for second chance, but there will always be those questions. And it was never easy especially if you already know the answers to the questions.

There will be attempts or testing the water stage after some time  but respect for the current situation will weigh heavier than your selfish need to prove something about yourself. And if the love was so great – the hurt and the pain rarely leaves that even the ‘power’ of time to heal it has no use for it especially when things, like novels, like this can suddenly bring you back where you’re trying to move on from.

And just like what John realized, loving someone should bring joy and happiness – not pain or whatever negative feeling there is.

“That’s why I don’t tell people about us. They wouldn’t understand, and I don’t feel the need to explain, simply because I know in my heart how real it was.”

‘Believe in the Power of Serendipity’

A friend and I had a little ‘argument’ about something similar to this last night. It all started with the meet-up that has always been postponed ever since we both agreed to do that.

The thing is, I’m a firm believer of perfect timing these days – that we can’t rush on things, that patience is still a virtue, that if things are not meant, it’s not meant, period.

But he has a good point, though. He said life is effort-based nowadays and if you really want something, you grab it by the throat and take it. Inspiring, eh? 🙂

But I know better than that and the result was so life-changing so I’m being extra cautious these days. But he has another good point: different people involved, different results. In all fairness, I can agree with him on that.

But regardless of who the people involved are, the lessons from that experience should stick and should not be taken for granted – in my case, it taught me something big time. I may forget in time the ones involved but what I learned from it, never.

And because we both respect that we are different people with different views and take on life, we let that ‘argument’ slip and go back to making compromises on how our busy schedules would meet.

The thing is, the more we talked, the more we find out that it is becoming more and more impossible each passing day – we’re both so busy with our own priorities AND he’s leaving the country in days and he’s not sure when he’s coming back! 🙂

Oh well, that leaves me believing in serendipity all the more. Us talking this way, it’s already a happy incident. His leaving with or without our hanging out again, hmmm, that must have a greater purpose … life is really full of pleasant surprises, isn’t it? And I so can’t wait to see what’s in store for me.

In time, I shall find out. *wink

Love, Rikki.

Sunday Breadcrumbs.10.23.11

There are three ways to love our neighbor, according to the priest who presided yesterday’s mass:

1. Respect every one

2. Show compassion and be humble

3. Forgive

These are exactly what I needed yesterday when I was pushed beyond my limits. Being in a field known to be a man’s world, it’s so hard not to be the object of some people’s ‘endearment’ and ‘too much attention’ to the point of being bullied and offended by them consciously or unconsciously.

So I turned to my iPod for help and just ‘plugged my ears’ with my happy songs and let them talk among themselves all day long. I don’t want to be rude and mean and listening to them might bring that out from me so I let them be. As what one of my brods is fond of saying, ‘we are all entitled to our wrong opinions’ and so I am entitled to not listen to their opinions 😮

Before the night ends, I got a text message from one of ‘the boys’ apologizing for what he had done that might have offended me. And forgiveness in that case is not necessary because I was not harmed in any way. I did not allow them to do that to me in the first place.  Simply put, apology is not accepted because apology is not needed. But I admire him for what he did.

Going back to the homily, of all the three ways mentioned in loving our neighbors, the third one seems to be the hardest – forgive. But, remembering the homily last Sept. 11 about forgiveness, denying to forgive is denying love and denying love is denying God.

The question now is how to forgive if we are still hurting? There are two ways for us to heal:

1. Human intervention – by cleansing our heart and mind; and

2. God’s intervention – by lifting and surrendering everything to God and trust that He will take care of it.

But, like what happened in my case, it should ALWAYS start from us. Respect other people. Show compassion and be humble. Because once we do, there would be no reason to forgive.

Happy Monday! Love, Rikki.

Not Your Ordinary Manic Monday

I’ve been coming home late almost every day since I started working again and every time I feel tired, I read this note I’ve written when I was still on a job-hunt mode:

August 24, 2011

I went home this morning from a sleepover at a friend’s house feeling so empty. Everyone’s rushing to go to work while I am just heading home. For them, it’s Monday again, THE day almost everyone dread as if the name itself has a curse. I can see the look on their faces. I’m sure I used to have the same look on mine but right now, I just can’t understand why one feels that way about that day.

I’ve no work and they have. Yet they look unhappy.

I’ve nothing to work on the whole day while they have a chance to work their way on their future. Yet they look exhausted.

I’ve nowhere to go almost every single day and no one to talk to until my friends got off from work while they have a sure third place where they can see and interact with people they can also consider their extended family. Yet they look not interested.

I ‘envy’ them for having something that I am looking forward to these days but they don’t seem to appreciate and put value to it. If only I can make them realize how blessed they are for having work, maybe they’d be as excited and as driven as I picture myself to be when I finally have one again.

Promise to self: I’ll love Mondays and I’ll welcome Monday with an overwhelming drive and passion. And I’ll treat every single work day a blessed day. I only have to always remember that somewhere out there, there is one person who is so like me right now, who would trade anything just to be given a chance to experience this and to start his own success story.

Work – come to me, please! I promise I’ll treasure and put more value to you more than ever now that I know how it feels like to be so deprived of you. Come now, come soon. I’m so ready for you. Love, Rikki.